Comparing Cases, Criminals

Sometimes to get to the next level in life we have to look back on how God has blessed us thru our times of waiting or trial!

So I look back with gratitude for many things in Marc’s case

The incident happened in the nicest city, the best Detectives solved the crime so swiftly …. & the attorneys’ in the case were caring, ethical individuals. I’m also grateful for the Newspaper and TV reporters who so creatively reported on the case at certain junctures. Then, to top it off …. the defendants are young men I can relate to!

I guess since the incident was such a terrible misunderstanding …. a true tragedy for all parties …. there was no yelling in court, no angry lawyers, no irate judge. No family or supporters being rowdy, making things more difficult. I believe we all felt more sad than mad.

Some parents have murdered sons who were involved with drugs, gangs …. or living a ‘double life’.  Some sons murders can’t be solved due to gang codes of honor. Some families live in fear or hatred of the offenders, one of my friends can’t face her offender yet. I know someone whose child’s murder isn’t being investigated due to corruption in the town. I think I have it bad sometimes but others are dealing with almost insufferable agony.

Even tho Marc’s case was originally reported as this grisly crime by a few sources, we were so lucky to have the offenders we did. I don’t see how I could have dealt with drug-crazed, proud, life long criminals or violent anti-govt Antifa types. Actually one of the first suspects was a ‘sicko’ who ‘threw Wesley under the bus’, saying Wesley was a guy who looked for weak people to hurt, and got others to do his stabbing for him! I read that.

But, we got a gift in the circumstances of the case! I’m very aware that if the case hadn’t have been solved Marc’s legacy would be almost non-existent. I wouldn’t have much to write about in a blog, and there’d be no healing with any defendant. It would have been so excruciating for me to wait years for someone to be caught or the defendant to finally be remorseful. I wanted with all my heart and soul to get justice for Marc ASAP, I never thought we wouldn’t get it, to be honest. So many prayed for justice and healing for all 3 boys …. that was hard for me, but it ended up being one of those God things.

Nothing in life happens in an isolated fashion, everything is woven together.

Arm your loved ones with the rules of the road – (DD)

Most of us compartmentalize life. We see God here, family over there. We see our job or finances in one way and our community as another entity! We often aren’t integrated on the inside or feeling much joy or pain!

Along with this many of us don’t think anything bad will ever happen to us or our children. We assume just because we don’t have serious vices, we obey laws and pray over our kids, we’re safe.

Our kids often don’t learn what’s safe but learn what’s fun. We’re often so busy, or don’t believe the crimes on TV could ever happen to our child or loved one, so we don’t talk about potential danger or make any plans for disaster.

I found out it doesn’t take but a split second to be hit by a stray bullet, a knife swing or pushed off a ledge by some one who doesn’t care about human life, or someone who’s on drugs or ignorant of his weapon. It only takes one predator to say one word to a child who’s not prepared for evil, to rouse parents, police and alarm a community once again to crime. It only takes one desperately lonely daughter one night to hook up with some pervert online. One moment can change a family’s entire life!

It shouldn’t take a crime against us to make us connect the dots of our life. But unfortunately it does at times. It forces us to go up against our fears, our natural inclination to not consider evil or danger. Most of us want to live safely but we aren’t very equipped to deal with crime …. but we can learn to stand against it. Predators don’t care what race you are, they’re looking for those who are ‘weak’ …. or those who think no one will ever hurt them.

God can intervene in a crime but He also wants us to do our part and stay vigilant about danger. Don’t learn the hard way.  It’s never too late to share with your loved ones about being safe. You may think it’s going in one ear and out the other but some of it will stick –


My Recent Angelic Activity

You may think what I write now is weird, think what you want.

Most of us have heard about angels …. the Torah and New Testament talk about how God used angels to speak into peoples lives. I don’t know your experience but here’s something about mine.

God has assigned everyone an angel. I’ve listened to what people have said about their angelic encounters and no one has said angels are cute, cuddly cherubs but strong human looking beings. Kenneth Hagin Sr said he was introduced to his angel and he was about 8 feet tall.

I was once in an auto accident where our VW bug rolled over several times and even tho I saw before my eyes a potential disaster, something in me very peacefully put my hand on my future husbands knee and whisper, ‘everything will be okay!’ And we rolled over on the freeway and down an embankment and ended in some bushes cradled like a baby. Totally unscathed. God gave me a ‘word of knowledge’, and prepared me, in a split second. And angels protected us.

I had another experience few years back when there was a huge train crash couple miles away. I heard what seemed like several dozen sirens blaring past my home! I wondered what had gone on, and asked the cashier at a store a block away, few minutes later? He shared about the serious train wreck on the Amtrack line. (Chatsworth Amtrack crash ended up being one of the worst U.S. train disasters).

Anyway, I remember at the counter having this heightened sense of spiritual activity nearby, I couldn’t associate it with anything I’d known before. It was like the air was electrified, buzzing. I quickly understood it was pertaining to the accident, and had a vivid knowing the air was charged  cause angels were going about their business with those who were injured or were needing to be escorted to heaven. I was awestruck for a few moments. Even tho a huge disaster had just happened it was like God took me aside and showed me something about how angels work.

Another recent encounter happened right after Marc left earth. I was pretty spaced out in grief, weariness and one afternoon was standing in Marc’s room looking down on the city of Portland and I heard what I later thought were 2 angels talking to each other. I only caught the exchange of 3 words. I didn’t even let the discussion register until much later, as I was barely functioning for some weeks. And I’m so careful about the difference in wishful thinking and reality among those who profess to have a special spiritual experience, so I felt cautious in admitting to myself what I heard. But when I recalled later what they said, I was so grateful for the 3 words as they were a prophetic comfort.

I had another experience few Sunday’s back, at the end of a church service. We were reading in preparation for Communion and for some reason I started to cry quietly and just couldn’t stop. I wasn’t feeling sad re: Marc, but I think feeling grateful for my worship community. But I kept crying, even in the line going up for the sacrament, tho I kept my tears at bay. I thought, ‘oh, I’m missing Marc, and the crying will stop soon.’ But the crying wouldn’t stop.

When I got back to my seat I reflected how I’d been planning on what to write to the main defendants mom and feeling actually a big relief in doing so. I knew she may be in depression over the crime, fearful to deal with me. The shame and confusion that come to godly people after a murder can be very hard to work thru for some. I didn’t know how far along she’d come in healing, so I thought I was maybe crying for her.

Anyway, I kept crying and wondered why this uncontrolled weeping wouldn’t stop, I thought it should have stopped by then. I wasn’t sure why God would interrupt me at church like this? Then all of a sudden, without warning, I sensed a ‘whoosh’ come down thru the air towards me, from left to right …. and I felt Marc was by my side ….. smiling and embracing me. I clearly understood he’d been summoned by angels to come to me at that time.

I can’t explain that experience like I can’t understand how the mystery of physics works. But it does. Just like God’s in the laws of physics, I could see from my church experience there’s a great communication and ‘order’ in the spiritual Kingdom! Angels knew I was in need without my saying a thing, and they knew to send for Marc. I was astonished at how swiftly things were carried out. I was just awed by God’s care for people. I couldn’t stop crying so I thought it best to tell my friends I needed to leave church early.

I don’t need ‘signs’ to prove God. or angels. I don’t need to ‘see’ angels to know they exist and they’re active in our lives. I just always sensed that world and believe in the Bible. I talk to angels when I fly, and seek their help and protection for me and my loved ones.

           Angels are real beings from God sent to help us in our life’s journey!

An angel came to Mary to declare God’s favor on her. Angels ministered to Jesus after He was tempted 40 days & nites. They opened prison doors for Peter, spoke to Paul in a severe storm on a ship at sea. One angel slew whole legions of Assyrians for the Israelites.

People have testified that angels protected them in wars, natural disasters or serious accidents. They protect and warn…. they declare …. they minister …. they escort to heaven!  They are being used in God’s kingdom more than you may know! Look for them in your life!

           Please share this blog and feel free to comment!

* Billy Graham also shares about angels, ‘Angels’ (God’s secret agents)

* Kenneth E Hagin wrote about angels in ‘How You Can Be Led By The Spirit Of God’ pg 115…

Pat Robertson wrote a book called, ‘Miracles’ & shares angelic activity

What Happens After We Die

Death isn’t an easy subject to talk about, but I feel led to share this today –

It gives me much comfort to refresh my memory on how God deals with our transition from earth to the after-life.  He’s so involved in the details of when we go, how we go. No matter how we or our loved ones pass on God’s put alot of thought and planning into this part of our existence, down to minute details. From what I understand angels take our ‘saved’ one immediately into the presence of Jesus. Jesus even said to the thief on the cross next to him that He would see him in paradise that very afternoon. I can’t tell you what that means to me as a mother, to know Marc had angels there immediately with him during his transition.

Author Paul Benware says, ‘ In death there is no a cessation of existence but a severance of the natural relations of life. The believer has the guarantee that nothing, even death, shall ever separate them from the Lord Jesus. Believers are not abandoned even for a moment at the time of physical death.  Jesus said he would never leave his people, and He will not do so.”…. ‘Jesus has been victorious over death, and in the future He will destroy it.’

The unsaved, in case you wonder, stay conscious as well, but go to hell. I’ve read and believe there’s no ‘sleep’, purgatory or waiting station for the dead until the Second Coming of Christ and Judgement. We just go to either place immediately. I remember how Pastor Dana would explain good & evil, etc …. he said no ‘good’ God would force a person to go to heaven if he didn’t want to go. God gives us all freedom to choose what we do with our lives …. to choose God’s way or our own way.

Sign near cash register of local store – (D.D.)

Pastor Charles said at Marc’s memorial there’s a veil between us and our loved ones in heaven. There was something like a veil between heaven and hell between Lazarus and the rich man.  Or something like a chasm … a ‘separation’ where the occupants of both places could see each other. The rich man and Lazarus were in opposite eternal homes but the rich man asked Lazarus to warn his brothers about the torture in hell, so they would escape it,  But Jesus told him they have the Law and can decide for themselves where they want to go.

I’ve thought Marc is busily observing those of us on earth who love him, visiting with relatives in heaven or listening in heaven to the plans for the end of this age. He can see what’s gong on in our house, the White House, in the Middle East. I’m sure his days, (nights, ha ha), are so busy! But one day …. death will be totally destroyed and Marc will have his body returned to him! Hallelujah.

There’s been such a travesty done to us in the West the last 50+ years!

Do you know anyone nowadays who talks about heaven? Do you know of anyone who teaches about it, writes about it, even preaches it? My pastor touches on it. I never hear anyone share their thots about it, sing about it like we used to. I’ve loved songs about heaven. There was a gospel song I used to sing along to,  ‘How Beautiful Heaven Must Be’. Not that I want to go there right now, but it gives people hope to know God has overcome death, and has a place for us …. forever!

But why would any millennial, snowflake want to go there? Our culture teaches them to desire life now, their own way, mostly. Maybe they will see a painting of heaven somewhere, of cherubs or clouds? The younger gen’s don’t hear of heaven thru music, media or novels. Few parents teach their children about their religious beliefs. Dangerous issues that challenge our concept of mortality are not faced head-on often.

Some of my readers deal with the hurting in varying degrees and share their experiences. I’ve raised sons and observed theirs and their friends struggles. My generation many times tended to refrain from discussing heaven and hell. I can’t be quiet anymore. People will appreciate it.

When Someone ‘Uses’ You

Ugggg …. I had a wake up call the other day! I was stunned …. hurt! I had to backtrack in my thoughts for awhile.

It actually involved a situation I’d wondered how to handle? It was re: someone I care about. I knew change was needed, so the wake up was not so unexpected or damaging.

Coming to terms about a constantly troubling situation in life or someones character involves some pain.

Seeing the whole issue in new light can make you cringe, big time. Sometimes you have to wake up re: a person at work, church or close family member or friend. It’s really tough when you discover ‘there’s nothing really there inside you value’! Or  ‘ …. there’s bad things inside’ you never want to be associated with. You once held a fairly lofty opinion of someone and now it’s dashed on the sands of time.

There’s a storm brewing if you don’t take care of some relationships –

More and more I’m discovering quality people on my new journey, people who are such a blessing! But ….  recently I’ve had to wake up about a few. I found myself thinking twice about some and wondering about their ability to ‘promise’ things but never show anything for their efforts, never follow thru. I know we all have had that happen with a family member we thought we knew so well, or a co-worker who’s said all these great words to us. Often we have some reason to deal with them on a regular basis,  but when it comes time to get on a really human level with them, there’s nothing but rote answers, evasive or ‘I could care less’ jargon.  And when you really need to converse on an important family or social issue, there’s continual excuses, passing the buck on responsibility, caring.

‘Empty’ people really have thrown me for a loop at times. But they’ve taught me also to stay clear of certain personality traits. Some people are helpful for ‘appearances’ sake, they don’t really walk in anyone’s shoes. You start seeing the patterns. The good eye contact isn’t there. You feel they’re saying things to ‘listen to themselves,’ enjoy their power with you or others. It really makes me sad once in awhile when I get ‘over’ a person or thru a situation because I understand the relationship was not going to be a lasting one as it was based on flattery or society’s assumed worth of them. It’s hard to look back and think …. ‘what got me involved with them in the first place, what made me like them or think they had anything to offer me?’

I’ve learned to be kind to ‘fake people’, to have my own peace in life, and not expect them to be real with me. If I need their help I try to make sure it’s an easy request. I know from experience with them they are not capable of any genuine comfort, inspiration, one on one sharing. Once you get to trust them, you’re open to their way of thinking, their lies, their rationalizing! You understand they are using you for their collection of people, experiences. Like in a Gatsby novel, or a Proverb character we’re to be wary of. They can say the right thing seemingly all the time to you, but then to someone else they say the opposite in order to please their ears, and then laugh like it’s no big deal to switch opinions so instantly!

Sometimes you can get over a user in your family but you fall for the same line from someone at church. This would make me feel crazy long time ago. It’s important to me to make sure I’ve got people on my side who have integrity, some inner values they’re consistent with. And values they hold me to as well. It’s hard being around those who you can’t respect or have to get along with for family or society’s sake. We’re forced to do that in this day and age at times.

‘Using’ people is normal to many. It’s becoming institutionalized too. There are ‘users’ in business, government …. the media …..  and even the church.

Always ….. test the spirits!

Relationships aren’t like shopping for wheels for your car. They have to be reciprocated to a degree with a good sense of the others worth. Being valued is a core need in our personality!

*  Dr. Phil’s book, “Life Code’ has some excellent examples of users, abusers, manipulators – Check it out!


Happy New Year 2018

                                Happy New Year!!!  May 2018 be your best year ever!

Thank you all for reading ! I’m deeply grateful for your support and love during these past 3 years! I know my posts have a very sensitive message and for some are hard to take, but you have walked with me. I’ve discovered how tragedy can open doors that teaching, preaching can never do. So, this is my ministry!

Marc and I send a toast for the best 2018 –

I’m blessed with such a good group of followers! You all are from many parts of the U.S., and from so many professions. I’ve cultivated a personal email list as I’ve noticed FB and other sites are not the best promoters of a blog like mine. My personal list works well for me as my posts are pretty intimate or strong in nature, they aren’t the normal FB fare.  I’m so glad I don’t have to chase down some elusive FB algorhythm. It gives me more peace and freedom to say what I want in my blog when I have my own list. Quality of reader is maybe more important than quantity in this venture.

Some of my posts veer away from grief, the case or defendants, but I’m so glad for your comments as I’m finding out I’m touching on issues that many of you think about or have some expertise on. For example ….. I really appreciate it that some of you relate to PTSD and grief while others relate strongly to forgiveness. Some of you have an interest in justice and some youth or homelessness. Some have a heart re: healing, while others know about the world of violence in our homes or streets.

You almost invariably share thru email, and I thoroughly get that you don’t want to pour your heart out in a public comment, but  …..  I really like it when you post on the site, as others can see what’s on peoples minds. Your comments largely are to comfort me but I also know you’re interested in the many issues in this nation that we all think are troublesome. I just want you to know I think of you guys when I write, it gives me great comfort to know you are there. I don’t write for you but I write to include you!

Marc and I would dialogue or share experiences on many levels of life, many subjects. I miss that. I can’t talk with him now but this blog is a great outlet for me. I could not have made it thru the last few years without it or you, I’m so aware it takes a ‘village‘. That’s another reason I’ve cultivated my list as I care about each of you, I know most of you fairly well. And having connections is ‘where it’s at’ in this crazy, impersonal world.

A lovely spot in a park near the site of the incident – Downtown Portland (DD)

2018 is going to be a great year!

I don’t know exactly how things will pan out re: the defendants and I, and their life journey’s but I’m trusting God!  I’d be a liar if I didn’t say I’m anxious.

I wrote a screenplay few years back titled ‘Saralicia’s Sojourne’ and I’ve been working on another, which will use some of the experiences of the last few years after having lost a son. I really wish for people to take a better look at Marc, the defendants, certain cultural issues, etc. and it seems a screenplay will be able to reach a broader audience. True forgiveness is so misunderstood, being used so recklessly. Some people think God’s not watching ~

Arrested Again

I’m sad having to share this. The lesser defendant is back in jail!

I sorta knew this was coming. Over a week ago I got a surprise call from his Parole Officer. I was so elated he’d call me as I’m not his family, or legal counsel.

Anyway, I was told there was a warrant out for his arrest, and I got sad yet fearful for him. The warrant was issued as he hadn’t reported to his P.O. properly.  I told the officer I’d try to reach Wesley to tell him to turn himself in. I was also freaking out a little about my role in this, I didn’t want the law to think I’d harbor him …. I don’t know if they know I live out of state. As hard as it was to imagine him back in jail, I still wanted him to get ‘right’ with the law.

His life had not been getting better except recently he found a temporary place to live. He’s been robbed of his phone, beaten up once, and lived in a tent few times so he moved into a safer neighborhood. He’s just running scared and told me he’s afraid to go down into the area where the P.O. is cause there’s people there who want to hurt him! I know that area and there’s tons of homeless, some crime!

What really saddened me Saturday is that I messaged him to check and see if he turned himself in or not? He got back with ‘Merry Christmas’ and said he was calling to work things out with P.O. day after Christmas. Well, over hour later when I got home from the gym I had a text from him saying an officer was running his name (to see if there were warrants out on him)? He wrote, ‘ I think I’m being arrested. If you could please call E— (P.O.) I’d be so grateful.’ Then he said, ‘Merry Christmas, thanks for everything you’ve done.’

That was the last I heard, but for some reason his comments calmed me. I felt bad I wasn’t there for him when he needed someone to talk with. Later on I discovered he’d tried to call me too, but …. I’d been out.

So, he had Christmas in jail. I wondered what they served? Did anyone bake cookies to deliver to the inmates? Haha. I wondered if they had piped in carols? I prayed angels watched over him and that if anyone tried to hurt him he’d be dealt with by God’s spirit. I couldn’t be there but I could care!


9:30 PM –  He called …. he was just released! WOW! I thought maybe he was going to be taken to court again before released, but he rattled off all the times he was due to report to the P.O. until the quota was filled, or the months go by.

He told me he got some socks, boxers to help him out. And he took a ‘pink’ garment (he laughed), when no one saw, as he wanted to keep warm! (It’s been snowing in Portland a few days).

I’m glad we can communicate well. I want Marc’s case/legacy to evolve into something good. Instead of marching about some grievance, starting a foundation or being depressed or bitter ….  I’m putting my energy and love into the boys and a blog. I won’t let Marc down!

I’ve told Wesley people are praying for him, he liked that.

Merry Christmas from Marc & Diane


Most of us are still rushing around trying to put the finishing touches on our holiday plans.

We don’t like to think of what’s in the news ….. the threat of natural disasters, or fears re: a crazed dictator sending bombs on our country. Many of us have family around us, but some are sad or lonely at Christmas!

People in every era have to deal with threats from the outside or inside –

One of my students (used w/ permission)

2,000 years ago a little baby snuggled up to some cattle in a manger in Bethlehem not understanding his life was in danger or that he’d suddenly be whisked off to Egypt. Some people didn’t want this precious infant to live. But His parents listened to God and escaped the raging controversies around His life till He was ready for ministry.

Mary and Joseph could have lived in fear, or blame each other and say ‘why did I marry you?’ They could have complained to family or fought the Roman’s in Nazareth but, ‘no’, they decided to listen to God and press in for His purpose thru all the events that came their way as husband and wife.

Some parents are having a hard time feeling celebratory this season. Some of us have suffered a big loss. Some sons will not be home for Xmas in their uniforms, but are in heaven having fought in Iraq or Afghanistan. Some parents have lost their children to depression, suicide or drug O.D.  A teacher parent friend of mine shared how her good friends lost their son to suicide couple weeks ago. She said, ‘How do you arrive at the age of 16 and think life is not worth living? What can I say to my friends?’

Marc’s & my bikes adorned with a string of Xmas lites –

How do we live with the reminder of pain in this world at Christmas? Personally, I’m forming new habits as a result of my son being in heaven at this time. Many parents are finding the resolve to hold onto God’s promises and not those of our culture where we eat, spend or watch too much. It takes deep acceptance to watch others rejoicing with their families while you choke back tears in the bathroom or you want to cry out or scream in front of dozens!

God never abandons us in tragedy, or in good times …. nor in celebrations!  His work is ever ongoing. He’s about changing our preconceived notions of right or wrong and lining it up to His. He is always blessing!

There’s always the prospect of pain or danger in life. We can cave into events from the outside or the prospect of feeling cheated out of happiness on Christmas Day ….. or we can be grateful as well as diligent in the work we’re assigned to do and remember what God says, to ‘fear not’!

*  Comments are welcome!


It’s About Time

I have some new readers, and as most of you know I’ve befriended the defendants in my sons murder case. The youngest has been on and off homeless for couple years, but I’ve found myself recently so worried about him, and I haven’t been able to break free of this heavy spirit!

My prayer list has been praying for the boys and I this week, and I finally took time to look deeply within the other day and check with what God was saying recently. I realized something hard …… I’ve been locked in a battle of compassion AND fear over Wesley!! Just blindly stuck!

I’ve been wrestling with thoughts and feelings over W like anyone I’m close to. My family isn’t very big, or close, but the closeness because of murder/death is a special bond that is so strong … but very healing! You get close in ways you don’t with others in general social contact. But you also get to know the things the person is struggling with.

Anyway, I’ve had this huge ‘weight’ over me for a couple weeks! I see all the many problems Wesley has and weigh it against the strength of his character or his assets …. and I’m fearing for him! Don’t we all do that about those we care for? We begin to worry about someone we think is descending into a pit. Watching them constantly struggle with just basic things of life just aches! Every time I think of W I almost get a sense of hopelessness that wants to sap all my strength.

I recently read what a friend of his shared recently on his FB feed …. a general comment about feeling bad for someone who’s ‘depressed’ cause his family abandoned him. I knew he was referring to Wesley. W even told me he’s not wanted at home cause he’s not his (foster) dads ‘real’ son! God reminded me that one of the key reasons people are unhappy in life or are homeless & roaming the streets is that they are constantly looking back on life, carrying around inside a hurt and angry spirit of rejection or abandonment! Many people never rise above it, it stays thru life!

Good, smart people carry this trait too! Always mad about the love they never got! (There’s a few in my own family like that.) But anyway, this attitude makes some resent the main male (or female) parental figure in their life! It still hurts so bad as an adult, and it takes up alot of time just to conceal that aching need! And people are so blind about their hearts, so they build an attitude of feeling life hasn’t treated them right. And whatever good comes to them it’s not enough to quench that hurt man or woman inside!! But you can break free!

Keller Fountain, Portland, OR

One pet peeve of mine for years has been about all the money and effort spent in helping people in Haiti, etc. Yes, it’s great to give food, housing, medical care but you don’t hear so much anymore about just going over and giving lost peoples the ‘gospel’. The ‘truth’. That’s the main thing that will save and maintain their country! At least walk the streets and tell of the 10 Commandments, anything to lift their souls up …. not just their bellies! All many will think is that Americans/Christian’s are mainly a people of ‘money, material things’, not a people with a God who’s concerned with our hearts and destiny.

Anyway, here I find myself afraid to ask Wesley about a few important things, letting fear get the best of me. I can still be a compassionate Christian lady in his life but I need to step up into risky territory. Also, I’ve been so locked in fear over Marc’s loss, I’ve just feared losing another due to the altercation! I’ll break free of this!

I have to get off the stump of being this nice Christian-y female and ask him about his pain re: his (adopted) dad. If he can see his part in the family scenario, and not see himself as a ‘victim’, a ‘pawn’ but that he has choices, it can turn his whole life around! It will help him lose that ‘poor me’ mentality and man-up to getting ahead with the help of others! Cause he’s resisting advise alot.

It hurts to love but how can you NOT love? You CAN lose someone close! God doesn’t want people to die, but people are so ignorant of how to deal with basic relationships in life …. they drug themselves to avoid pain or work to avoid confrontation and bring on disease, accidents or early death. They live in a rat race instead of in God’s grace. Whatever good comes to them, it’s not enough to quench that hurt little boy or girls longing! But a few words can break thru that cycle for good!

We are not called to live a victorious life without ever feeling pain. The worst pain in life is connected to others, and we’ll never be completely ‘over’ hurting but we CAN feel whole and alive when we bear others burdens, pray for them!

*NOTE – Pastor Gregory Dickow and others have written on the ‘fatherless child’, the ‘orphan heart’ and how to remove it and reclaim life – Awesome books, CD’s

Charlie Rose And Protecting Youth

Watching Charlie Rose being ‘outed’ was shocking and heart-wrenching.

I’m not naive, I know his world is tied to the super rich, super powerful yet I never suspected he of all people would be accused of using his power to degrade innocent young women. You expect this conduct from some movie moguls , not ‘esteemed’ journalists.

I always understood many in entertainment and the jet-set have a code of ethics unto themselves, they broadcast it freely all the time. We know some individuals live a life without many standards, those in the regular world often don’t think celebrities lives affect us, but …. in reality they do.

To me Charlie was a journalistic giant revered by many. I’ve listened to his show but his style of interviewing contained so much schmoozing. But, he evoked an image of a fatherly or mentor type, not a guy with a perverted attitude re: women.

He didn’t live the life of a playboy with consenting women but picked on those younger and weaker than himself who were too fearful to fight back. He preyed on their trust in his respected position, that’s what’s so criminal to me. Those young ladies came to him to be mentored, not molested! And he has a ‘partner’ while all this went on.

Couple other things …. I was really not satisfied with his words of defense. I never write about issues I don”t research first, so I listened to what many news sources had to say, and heard him say, ‘they weren’t wrong doings‘. OMG. I read his statement, that he was ’embarrassed’ …. but he wasn’t ashamed. He said he thought some attempts with women were ‘shared feelings’, that he didn’t mean to harm anyone! Dear me.

Charlie apparently appeared nude with prospective employees, met a woman at the door in a towel, sent lewd phone msgs, groped women and whispered lewd remarks …. all ladies were young hopefuls ….. how is that not wrong doings? It’s important to share some facts so people can be informed, as this culture wants to white-wash every scandal.

Many young or inexperienced men have made a mistake with a woman on a date, but this was a pattern of Mr. Rose’s that was repeated in a private setting where the women felt they had no recourse. So, like Gayle, his co-host on CBS, he doesn’t get a ‘pass’ on this from many women.

I’m glad Gayle and Norah were deeply shocked publicly. It was awesome how they stood up for women!  I like to think offenders will fess up and wanna change! But It’s a long road to recovery for sex offenders they say, and I’ve heard of a few renouncing their lifestyle and seeking healing but, …. it’s critical to admit what you did was wrong. I’m not the judge of Charlie but all the intelligent words he shared with movie or political personalities are just smoke in the air now after we got a peek into his life. He has a lot of ‘splaining’ to do to be respected again by many out there eager for respectability in broadcasting.

Many of us have suffered abuse of some kind, but most of the time we learn what men or circumstances to shield ourselves from, and we quickly forget and try to go on. We know ‘guys can be guys’ once in awhile in the office or on a date and usually assume they’re being a jerk this once, so we forgive. But preying on younger women who trust you is different. The women abused in this case said they didn’t have anyone to tell, and actually that’s how it is with many women who suffer abuse!

Anyway, It’s a sad commentary for those super celebs who live without accountability, they put the rest of their entertainment or political companions in disrepute. The super powerful, super rich live in a world nothing like ours many times. Having people think you can do no wrong, having managers and everything done for you just takes you away from the day to day joy of life or challenges and breeds a lack of human understanding of the life others live.

Some people are just going to read his headline and forget it ever existed next week. But many women won’t, especially those in TV, journalism. They will keep it inside for a long time. Our sexual values are among the most important parts of our personality after our faith. Every little boy and girl wants to grow up to be loved, have a full life. God never asks us to forgo normal relationships for success.

We need to keep this conversation alive at home so kids can trust us and feel safe.  I’m so grateful for certain family members, churches and my profession where little boys and girls have moms and dads they can have warm, close relationships with, and where there’s trusted adults who know about right and wrong touching.




‘Give It To Me’

      ‘Give it to me!’

What do you think of when you hear those words? ‘Give me your vote’? ‘Gimme some money’? ‘Gimme the catsup?’ ‘Give me your love’?

I recently visited with the lesser defendant. While I waited for him on the lite rail platform, a few young men were gathered there as well. One very sweetly asked, ‘You seem like a ‘neat’ lady, do you smoke weed?’ I was kinda floored to be confronted so openly about that cause he looked like a Christian high school senior. I told him I didn’t use it. My first thought was my safety, but there were other people coming and going at times & it was mid-day. I was glad I wasn’t being cornered late at night in a dangerous area and told, ‘give me any money, drugs’.

Give it to me’

Another man came by and asked if I had a bus ticket, and I said ‘No’, but if he needed bus fare I had $5.00. He was so grateful. He was pretty disheveled and gave me his recent life story. He told me he was on his way to see his parents in Johnson City. He was pretty ‘out of it’ from drugs/alcohol but was polite, and I felt safe enough as it was afternoon or I might not have answered him. I’ve found out thru working with the homeless, and going thru Marc’s case, that many people often retain their respect for others. But I’ve met some beligerent, mean mentally ill folks a couple times. Glad money wasn’t demanded of me that time as well.

Give it to Me’

Wesley and I sat in the sunshine at the Starbucks in the Clackamas Mall. I just wanted to find out if he was okay, but I also wanted him to ‘give me’ feedback re: the crime. One thing I’ve discovered that’s so important on the road to healing after violence is to ‘confront the pain’! I needed to share my take on the pain we’re going thru, and what I thought of him and Andrew. I hoped he wouldn’t shut down on me. He immediately opened up though and shared how every year around this time he grew moody, depressed. I told him it was the same with me, that PTSD memories affect everyone that way.

Oh, to find a soul who understands, who can relate to Marc’s case or can accept the subject of violence, healing! I’m also so grateful that Wesley responds in such a healthy way to healing! I don’t want any more tragedy to come out of the case, I want the best for him even tho it seems more has been piled on him.

It feels so normal meeting with him, we have a bond only few would understand. Most of the time we talk about life, we don’t get into pity or complain about our lot and hardly ever talk of the crime But the fact we can share ‘pain’ together is like the neatest ‘therapy’! I can’t tell you! I’m glad God gave me the best defendants in Marc’s case.

Give it to Me

‘Give it to me’ can be both good or bad, depending on the intention.

Someone else said that today, did you hear it? It wasn’t on the news. He said, ‘GIVE IT TO ME!  RIGHT NOW!  IT’S MINE, GIVE IT TO ME !  IT’S NOT YOURS TO KEEP !’

God tells us every day, ‘Give me your anxiety, your questions …. your sense of unworthiness! Give it back! I paid for it! It doesn’t belong to you.’

And we usually just keep our pain or worries selfishly to ourselves. We want to ‘fix’ things. We want to be strong like our parents were, or like our friends seem to be.

But God’s not into the act of putting on make-up, or getting so super fit or whatever before we get close to Him. He’s tired of our fooling around and pretending we’ll work things out. He’s into partnership, a relationship …. not some band-aid attempt of ours to cover our helplessness. He won’t force us to give it over, He doesn’t force us to ‘give Him our love or trust’.

Many people think of God as …. soooo high, high, high up there in the sky, and ….. we are so teeny, teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy little people down here, and  ….. that couldn’t be farther from the truth. His plans for our future, His peace is right here with us, inside us, if we only ask to have it revealed! He set things into motion at the time of creation, why not tap into His plan?

I’m so grateful for the peace, healing with the defendants! God’s got a plan for me and them after Marc’s journey to glory. God’s not far from me, He has time for our little lives down here.


(This last section taken from a msgs by Pr. Tom & Pastor Steven Trujillo, Fathers House Church, PDX, OR)