You go thru so much as a result of a loved one dying in a homicide, especially so when its your child –
It’s not a shame when a person dies defending someone, no, you’re considered a hero and you can brag about your loved one. But my son dying prematurely from murder is something I still can’t master. It’s such a harsh way to go, a difficult death to bring up to others. People from certain sphere’s of society do not want or like to talk of death, much less murder! But I’m getting used to my strange new reality.
I’m not feeling sorry for people like me, like I might have done some years ago. From the start I felt God’s hand in this whole gruesome situation. It’s like there’s new connections in my life and they are connected partly by this shame I keep pushing back. The new people who’ve come forward to accept me in my shame are the most loving. How did I live without them, I’m tempted to think..
Shame can truly be worse than the pain of the event because while the pain has a ‘shelf life’. shame doesn’t but has this way of lurking in the background and at times rising up and giving me an ‘icky’ feeling of being associated with a terrible incident. I can’t shake it off, but I work thru it. I’ve heard about abortion’ shame for years. Our shames are deep because they’re associated with life and death, which some people fear talking about.
I still have paralyzing times with people over the subject of children. If someone asks, ‘do you have any children, Diane’, I still freeze up, I can’t deal well with questions like that after almost 4 years. Some women have several kids and are always so bubbly about them, it’s hard to feel okay around them. My emotions go clunk. Depending on the situation I want to get out of there. I’m not angry with them but the bitter memory of the crime, the lack of my son and best ‘friend’ …. then having to explain to people about Marc so I can forge a relationship with them requires additional courage. I save my real views in my close friends, blog or new book.
You just don’t want to think the people in your life can make your grief harder, but they can and do. I had to create friendships with others based on trust, not flattery or power, cause I don’t ever want to shrug off my association to the crime, or to Marc. I want to allow all the feelings to come to the surface, so I can function normally. Shame deprived of it’s sting will back down like a dog with it’s tail between it’s legs.
There are others like me, in other cities. There are loud cries in Parkland, FL from the high school shooting there last Feb. Each of us has a burden to carry. Other mom’s and dad’s, like me, love their child still ….. and there are those of us who don’t wish to pretend our child’s murder never ‘took place’. I definitely don’t want Marc’s memory to go away, or people forget him.
You have to fight for some things in life in a very focused way. Some things are free, but other things you have to forge a path where there was none. To resist the sting of death, murder and shame can take a few moments of your time, it will save you from endless months and years of depression, pain and in-action.
Love you, Marc!