It was so good to return to Portland recently, the city where Marc lived and was killed. Often we hold memories of a person, event or place in our hearts and they seem ‘locked’ into place. That city has been a place of both great joy and terrible pain, several times I wondered how I’d get up the nerve to go back up there? But my recent trips have helped me to further sort thru the anguished memories of Marc’s tragedy and focus on the good things that have come out of Portland.
It was great meeting with the detectives on the case. I hadn’t seen them since the main defendant’s sentencing day last June. I told them when when I saw them I wasn’t sure I wanted to meet as I thought it may bring back the depression associated with the crime. I’m glad they didn’t bring up the incident itself. I still haven’t read the Medical Examiners report or the Police Report. I’ve barely been able to read the Death Certificate as it is.
I’ve valued the good work done on Marc’s case so much as I now know many murders aren’t solved. In Marc’s case there was some video to refer to which helped the Detectives find the suspects, we were SOOO fortunate! The Detectives are my heroes cause without catching the right suspects, there’d be no court case & justice, no family peace of mind and no salvaging of the defendants lives.
I’d wondered if they got many ‘thank yous’ from grateful people after solving a case and they told me they hardly ever do …. that’s sad! I know my life would not be what it is today without the suspects being caught.
It was also good to talk with them cause I needed to share about the defendants. I shared what I knew about the boys from my writing or meeting with them this past year. I shared how I’ve kept track of the lesser defendant W—– thru a phone call, a meeting & his Facebook page. I told them how A—–, the main defendant in Marc’s case, wrote me that he’d been searching for ‘power’ in his life thru the ‘occult’ but now he knows the most important thing is ‘love’. You can’t make that stuff up, it has to come from a place of deep personal experience. I know my forgiving him has opened my life up to a higher level of Gods purpose in this mess!
On my trip I also connected with victim advocates, news reporters, the funeral director, instructors from the culinary institute Marc attended, a parole officer …. these are the people who’ve been there to help me deal with the case, celebrate Marc’s memory or deal with the defendants. A close family friend has let me stay in his home on my trips back up, he’s wanted to take part in the healing process. I’m so grateful for everyone’s part, I don’t think people understand how every conversation has helped erase the fear of visiting Portland!
In any recovery you need to be around those who not only ‘accept’ you but those who really ‘like’ you despite the ‘turmoil’ going on inside you. You just can’t go to a ‘shrink’ and expect to feel better after your child has been murdered. You can’t find the support you need from a pill or liquor bottle. Prayer and scripture get the healing started but …. we heal fully in community! People actually need to relate to your suffering to complete their walk too, as crazy as it sounds!
“Help me, O Lord my God! …. That they may know that this is Your hand”