Blessings And Agony

I don’t want my readers to think there aren’t definite blessings going on in my life …. but, I still get jerked around by the crime at times. This period of Marc’s birthday and the anniversary of the crime are especially sad. The other night something happened that gave me a deeply panicked, sick feeling. I had to leave the people I was with and get by myself. I didn’t know if it was a signal that deep depression was returning, like right after Marc ‘left’. I wondered if I was really going to be able to have a future cause I felt so crippled by defeat, anxiety?

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Then the next night I was checking online about Marc’s incident, which I really shouldn’t have done!  I came across an article written the first week after the crime, about how the police/detectives had videos and knew there were probably homeless youth involved.  I also happened to read some fresh info about Marc that I had never heard, and the info tore into my emotions, my soul and horrified me! I wept so bad for Marc as the details seemed so graphic and disturbing, I couldn’t take it any longer!

I can’t share what upset me so badly, it’s the type of thing a mom can’t stand, it hurts beyond measure! Certain facts about the crime just stop me in my tracks. I remember thinking that night, ‘I’ll never be able to sleep again, never be able to enjoy life since finding this out about Marc’! I cried when I had to turn the lights out and go up to bed alone, in the silent night. I thought of how I may toss and have nightmares. I thought again, ‘My life is over’! But, blessedly, the next morning I was sorta back to normal.

How do people deal with the pain, killing, terror over in the Middle East? How do people live in countries where they don’t have good leaders, or their police are corrupt? What would it be like to live where you don’t have hope that your country can be fixed, that things can be turned around? At least I don’t have that kind of environment to live in! I wouldn’t be able to live with zero hope!

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We’re so fortunate in the States, so blessed in most locales. What kind of life would I have if no one cared very intently on catching the suspects?  That in itself was the kingpin for why things worked out so well. Also, if the lesser defendant had not had a conscience and identified the real assailant, the case would maybe never be solved?

The right people were caught, the papers wrote some largely honest news? Marc has a legacy. Some things are pretty right in the world! I’m not complaining ….


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