I have some new readers, and as most of you know I’ve befriended the defendants in my sons murder case. The youngest has been on and off homeless for couple years, but I’ve found myself recently so worried about him, and I haven’t been able to break free of this heavy spirit!
My prayer list has been praying for the boys and I this week, and I finally took time to look deeply within the other day and check with what God was saying recently. I realized something hard …… I’ve been locked in a battle of compassion AND fear over Wesley!! Just blindly stuck!
I’ve been wrestling with thoughts and feelings over W like anyone I’m close to. My family isn’t very big, or close, but the closeness because of murder/death is a special bond that is so strong … but very healing! You get close in ways you don’t with others in general social contact. But you also get to know the things the person is struggling with.
Anyway, I’ve had this huge ‘weight’ over me for a couple weeks! I see all the many problems Wesley has and weigh it against the strength of his character or his assets …. and I’m fearing for him! Don’t we all do that about those we care for? We begin to worry about someone we think is descending into a pit. Watching them constantly struggle with just basic things of life just aches! Every time I think of W I almost get a sense of hopelessness that wants to sap all my strength.
I recently read what a friend of his shared recently on his FB feed …. a general comment about feeling bad for someone who’s ‘depressed’ cause his family abandoned him. I knew he was referring to Wesley. W even told me he’s not wanted at home cause he’s not his (foster) dads ‘real’ son! God reminded me that one of the key reasons people are unhappy in life or are homeless & roaming the streets is that they are constantly looking back on life, carrying around inside a hurt and angry spirit of rejection or abandonment! Many people never rise above it, it stays thru life!
Good, smart people carry this trait too! Always mad about the love they never got! (There’s a few in my own family like that.) But anyway, this attitude makes some resent the main male (or female) parental figure in their life! It still hurts so bad as an adult, and it takes up alot of time just to conceal that aching need! And people are so blind about their hearts, so they build an attitude of feeling life hasn’t treated them right. And whatever good comes to them it’s not enough to quench that hurt man or woman inside!! But you can break free!
One pet peeve of mine for years has been about all the money and effort spent in helping people in Haiti, etc. Yes, it’s great to give food, housing, medical care but you don’t hear so much anymore about just going over and giving lost peoples the ‘gospel’. The ‘truth’. That’s the main thing that will save and maintain their country! At least walk the streets and tell of the 10 Commandments, anything to lift their souls up …. not just their bellies! All many will think is that Americans/Christian’s are mainly a people of ‘money, material things’, not a people with a God who’s concerned with our hearts and destiny.
Anyway, here I find myself afraid to ask Wesley about a few important things, letting fear get the best of me. I can still be a compassionate Christian lady in his life but I need to step up into risky territory. Also, I’ve been so locked in fear over Marc’s loss, I’ve just feared losing another due to the altercation! I’ll break free of this!
I have to get off the stump of being this nice Christian-y female and ask him about his pain re: his (adopted) dad. If he can see his part in the family scenario, and not see himself as a ‘victim’, a ‘pawn’ but that he has choices, it can turn his whole life around! It will help him lose that ‘poor me’ mentality and man-up to getting ahead with the help of others! Cause he’s resisting advise alot.
It hurts to love but how can you NOT love? You CAN lose someone close! God doesn’t want people to die, but people are so ignorant of how to deal with basic relationships in life …. they drug themselves to avoid pain or work to avoid confrontation and bring on disease, accidents or early death. They live in a rat race instead of in God’s grace. Whatever good comes to them, it’s not enough to quench that hurt little boy or girls longing! But a few words can break thru that cycle for good!
We are not called to live a victorious life without ever feeling pain. The worst pain in life is connected to others, and we’ll never be completely ‘over’ hurting but we CAN feel whole and alive when we bear others burdens, pray for them!
*NOTE – Pastor Gregory Dickow and others have written on the ‘fatherless child’, the ‘orphan heart’ and how to remove it and reclaim life – Awesome books, CD’s