At this time of year I get a ‘visitor’, a specter reminding me of a painful event. I’m used to it now, I can’t fight it. It’s not right to do so either cause it cheapens life.
Even tho Marc’s in another realm …. I’m not ‘over’ him! When you’ve been so close to someone and then they’re killed by another, you don’t get ‘over it’!
I listened to a dad recently talk about the daughter he lost to murder and he said, ‘I don’t want to go on without my daughter in my life, but I HAVE to.’ That is exactly what I had to discover after Marc left earth! There’s a huge power that comes over you when you realize you’ve dealt with death and faced the murderer of your child! Just knowing you’re alive after the most horrific life event, and you still trust God, is so life transforming! You can’t believe the separation from your child is real, but living is ‘doable’! Your heart doesn’t want to get used to not calling your child, or waiting to meet again, or wanting the best for them …. but you’re released from feeling almost suicidal depression! You discover the thing you feared most has happened …. and the pain is bad ….but life’s ‘doable’! God’s in this with you to show you there’s more to do in life for the love of others than you realized!
I’m very grateful for all those who’ve supported me along the way, but you have to step out from the receiving end and ‘do’ something about the love you knew! After the comfort cycle, there’s the need to find your new life so you don’t become a ‘statistic’! One of those sad folks that people talk about behind their backs.
I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found others modeling a future without a child. John Walsh and Dr Paul Klaas were dads who lost children to murder and turned their deep love for their children and outrage at loss, into locating criminals, raising awareness re: crime, & locating missing children. I’m so grateful for Renee and Mary, moms in Chicago and FL, who forgave their child’s killer and forged relationships with them. Pastor Les Ferguson, Jr., in MS, wrote a book about recovering after his wife and sons were targeted for murder. His book, “Still Wrestling”, is a penetrating story of deep tragedy yet one of the most phenomenal restorative journey’s you’ll ever read. These folks have inspired me to keep writing on the subject of murder, forgiving and raising awareness about the cultural issues Marc and I cared about.
Thanks to all of you who read my blog and support my book efforts. You help me keep Marc’s legacy going! To have men and women walk down a path that’s very raw with me has been very eye opening and humbling! It affirms what I was hoping to find in life all along!