I’m Moving but Staying

How are your summer plans working out?

I’m moving! I don’t know how you feel about having big intrusions in your life but moving was not on my list of things ‘To Do’!

What’s your approach to your ‘belongings’? I didn’t think it would be helpful for me to just box things up without clearing out the useless stuff from many years …. but, which items are ‘outdated, useless’? One thing that’s driven me is the fear of identifying as one of those who clings to things in their garage or stores them in units, never to meet again.

I really like some of my ‘things’. Besides family photos, I love my decor, my art on the walls, my books and cooking ware. ‘Things’ give us a sense of identity and rootedness, we need a certain amount of stuff. But, living for them or living in the past scares me. I prefer to deal with the good and bad back there, and move on. I’ve gone thru so much in the last few years, I see the promise of a good future and try to live fully in the present! I can’t let a murder or any memory steal that from me like I used to think it would.

Do you like change? It’s very hard for me, especially while I’m writing a book. It’s also hard when you’re still aware you’re going thru a tragedy. A move doesn’t take away anything associated with the crime, what happened still happened, at least I’m not into ‘escaping’ pain like some people try to do thru moving.

But  ….. the timing is right. There’s other things in my future. It’s actually been exhilarating to let go but also am feeling resentment cause I hate coughing all night after sifting thru & packing dusty stacks of books. I’m not used to being sore from lifting and sorting boxes of memories. Icing the painful muscles helps.

The toughest part is making myself get past the kicking and screaming to sift thru the rest of Marc’s personal items! It’s forcing me to think back to the crime, his loss. It’s still hard to believe what happened! It’s like some terrible nightmare, a dream that I dreamed that will go away in time! But it won’t, and that’s okay. Sometimes the terror comes back and sits at my throat and chokes my breath. It’s associated with just the terror of death itself. The devil wants to keep scaring us.

If I’m ever buried in the ground, I want to be buried with both my sons school work, not my jewelry or photos. I learned thru their daily exercises just who my children truly were. What they thought about themselves, life, others. Last nite I read some of Marc’s notes from Oregon Culinary Institute (OCI), where he studied to be a chef. I just couldn’t do it for long, too painful.

We all move for different reasons. This move reminds me that I’m not a victim anymore. It would scare me to stop my journey. As I’ve gone over photos, mementos from the past I’ve really surprised at how I’ve grown past some memories. I’m past certain dreams of my family or aspirations our culture placed on me. Those attachments are gone, the lasting hopes have won! I’ve come full circle and looked at what I tried to be as a youth and later, and some has been fulfilled and some were a darn waste. I’m blessed to be able to do this clearing out, like starting over.

Many people have used the mantra ‘keep it simple stupid’, it helps a lot to think like that. Saying goodbye is okay. I have to let this whole journey take me where I don’t necessarily know what will happen. I can’t allow myself to miss the boat, stay in the past or in grief. I need to ‘stay in love with Marc’, build with others. Use my time to continue to share about the case in a new way, write about our cultural issues.

Moving is never a great experience itself but it’s the new life you anticipate that sees you thru! I know Marc is smiling from heaven!


One comment

  1. Patti Smith says:

    You truly inspire me. Your tragedy of the loss of your son would to me be unbearable. I know how grief lingers but you have risen above it and share with us your journey. You are so brave! Your words are eloquent and your message so important for others. Thanks, Diane.

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