It’s About Time

I have some new readers, and as most of you know I’ve befriended the defendants in my sons murder case. The youngest has been on and off homeless for couple years, but I’ve found myself recently so worried about him, and I haven’t been able to break free of this heavy spirit!

My prayer list has been praying for the boys and I this week, and I finally took time to look deeply within the other day and check with what God was saying recently. I realized something hard …… I’ve been locked in a battle of compassion AND fear over Wesley!! Just blindly stuck!

I’ve been wrestling with thoughts and feelings over W like anyone I’m close to. My family isn’t very big, or close, but the closeness because of murder/death is a special bond that is so strong … but very healing! You get close in ways you don’t with others in general social contact. But you also get to know the things the person is struggling with.

Anyway, I’ve had this huge ‘weight’ over me for a couple weeks! I see all the many problems Wesley has and weigh it against the strength of his character or his assets …. and I’m fearing for him! Don’t we all do that about those we care for? We begin to worry about someone we think is descending into a pit. Watching them constantly struggle with just basic things of life just aches! Every time I think of W I almost get a sense of hopelessness that wants to sap all my strength.

I recently read what a friend of his shared recently on his FB feed …. a general comment about feeling bad for someone who’s ‘depressed’ cause his family abandoned him. I knew he was referring to Wesley. W even told me he’s not wanted at home cause he’s not his (foster) dads ‘real’ son! God reminded me that one of the key reasons people are unhappy in life or are homeless & roaming the streets is that they are constantly looking back on life, carrying around inside a hurt and angry spirit of rejection or abandonment! Many people never rise above it, it stays thru life!

Good, smart people carry this trait too! Always mad about the love they never got! (There’s a few in my own family like that.) But anyway, this attitude makes some resent the main male (or female) parental figure in their life! It still hurts so bad as an adult, and it takes up alot of time just to conceal that aching need! And people are so blind about their hearts, so they build an attitude of feeling life hasn’t treated them right. And whatever good comes to them it’s not enough to quench that hurt man or woman inside!! But you can break free!

Keller Fountain, Portland, OR

One pet peeve of mine for years has been about all the money and effort spent in helping people in Haiti, etc. Yes, it’s great to give food, housing, medical care but you don’t hear so much anymore about just going over and giving lost peoples the ‘gospel’. The ‘truth’. That’s the main thing that will save and maintain their country! At least walk the streets and tell of the 10 Commandments, anything to lift their souls up …. not just their bellies! All many will think is that Americans/Christian’s are mainly a people of ‘money, material things’, not a people with a God who’s concerned with our hearts and destiny.

Anyway, here I find myself afraid to ask Wesley about a few important things, letting fear get the best of me. I can still be a compassionate Christian lady in his life but I need to step up into risky territory. Also, I’ve been so locked in fear over Marc’s loss, I’ve just feared losing another due to the altercation! I’ll break free of this!

I have to get off the stump of being this nice Christian-y female and ask him about his pain re: his (adopted) dad. If he can see his part in the family scenario, and not see himself as a ‘victim’, a ‘pawn’ but that he has choices, it can turn his whole life around! It will help him lose that ‘poor me’ mentality and man-up to getting ahead with the help of others! Cause he’s resisting advise alot.

It hurts to love but how can you NOT love? You CAN lose someone close! God doesn’t want people to die, but people are so ignorant of how to deal with basic relationships in life …. they drug themselves to avoid pain or work to avoid confrontation and bring on disease, accidents or early death. They live in a rat race instead of in God’s grace. Whatever good comes to them, it’s not enough to quench that hurt little boy or girls longing! But a few words can break thru that cycle for good!

We are not called to live a victorious life without ever feeling pain. The worst pain in life is connected to others, and we’ll never be completely ‘over’ hurting but we CAN feel whole and alive when we bear others burdens, pray for them!

*NOTE – Pastor Gregory Dickow and others have written on the ‘fatherless child’, the ‘orphan heart’ and how to remove it and reclaim life – Awesome books, CD’s

Charlie Rose And Protecting Youth

Watching Charlie Rose being ‘outed’ was shocking and heart-wrenching.

I’m not naive, I know his world is tied to the super rich, super powerful yet I never suspected he of all people would be accused of using his power to degrade innocent young women. You expect this conduct from some movie moguls , not ‘esteemed’ journalists.

I always understood many in entertainment and the jet-set have a code of ethics unto themselves, they broadcast it freely all the time. We know some individuals live a life without many standards, those in the regular world often don’t think celebrities lives affect us, but …. in reality they do.

To me Charlie was a journalistic giant revered by many. I’ve listened to his show but his style of interviewing contained so much schmoozing. But, he evoked an image of a fatherly or mentor type, not a guy with a perverted attitude re: women.

He didn’t live the life of a playboy with consenting women but picked on those younger and weaker than himself who were too fearful to fight back. He preyed on their trust in his respected position, that’s what’s so criminal to me. Those young ladies came to him to be mentored, not molested! And he has a ‘partner’ while all this went on.

Couple other things …. I was really not satisfied with his words of defense. I never write about issues I don”t research first, so I listened to what many news sources had to say, and heard him say, ‘they weren’t wrong doings‘. OMG. I read his statement, that he was ’embarrassed’ …. but he wasn’t ashamed. He said he thought some attempts with women were ‘shared feelings’, that he didn’t mean to harm anyone! Dear me.

Charlie apparently appeared nude with prospective employees, met a woman at the door in a towel, sent lewd phone msgs, groped women and whispered lewd remarks …. all ladies were young hopefuls ….. how is that not wrong doings? It’s important to share some facts so people can be informed, as this culture wants to white-wash every scandal.

Many young or inexperienced men have made a mistake with a woman on a date, but this was a pattern of Mr. Rose’s that was repeated in a private setting where the women felt they had no recourse. So, like Gayle, his co-host on CBS, he doesn’t get a ‘pass’ on this from many women.

I’m glad Gayle and Norah were deeply shocked publicly. It was awesome how they stood up for women!  I like to think offenders will fess up and wanna change! But It’s a long road to recovery for sex offenders they say, and I’ve heard of a few renouncing their lifestyle and seeking healing but, …. it’s critical to admit what you did was wrong. I’m not the judge of Charlie but all the intelligent words he shared with movie or political personalities are just smoke in the air now after we got a peek into his life. He has a lot of ‘splaining’ to do to be respected again by many out there eager for respectability in broadcasting.

Many of us have suffered abuse of some kind, but most of the time we learn what men or circumstances to shield ourselves from, and we quickly forget and try to go on. We know ‘guys can be guys’ once in awhile in the office or on a date and usually assume they’re being a jerk this once, so we forgive. But preying on younger women who trust you is different. The women abused in this case said they didn’t have anyone to tell, and actually that’s how it is with many women who suffer abuse!

Anyway, It’s a sad commentary for those super celebs who live without accountability, they put the rest of their entertainment or political companions in disrepute. The super powerful, super rich live in a world nothing like ours many times. Having people think you can do no wrong, having managers and everything done for you just takes you away from the day to day joy of life or challenges and breeds a lack of human understanding of the life others live.

Some people are just going to read his headline and forget it ever existed next week. But many women won’t, especially those in TV, journalism. They will keep it inside for a long time. Our sexual values are among the most important parts of our personality after our faith. Every little boy and girl wants to grow up to be loved, have a full life. God never asks us to forgo normal relationships for success.

We need to keep this conversation alive at home so kids can trust us and feel safe.  I’m so grateful for certain family members, churches and my profession where little boys and girls have moms and dads they can have warm, close relationships with, and where there’s trusted adults who know about right and wrong touching.




‘Give It To Me’

      ‘Give it to me!’

What do you think of when you hear those words? ‘Give me your vote’? ‘Gimme some money’? ‘Gimme the catsup?’ ‘Give me your love’?

I recently visited with the lesser defendant. While I waited for him on the lite rail platform, a few young men were gathered there as well. One very sweetly asked, ‘You seem like a ‘neat’ lady, do you smoke weed?’ I was kinda floored to be confronted so openly about that cause he looked like a Christian high school senior. I told him I didn’t use it. My first thought was my safety, but there were other people coming and going at times & it was mid-day. I was glad I wasn’t being cornered late at night in a dangerous area and told, ‘give me any money, drugs’.

Give it to me’

Another man came by and asked if I had a bus ticket, and I said ‘No’, but if he needed bus fare I had $5.00. He was so grateful. He was pretty disheveled and gave me his recent life story. He told me he was on his way to see his parents in Johnson City. He was pretty ‘out of it’ from drugs/alcohol but was polite, and I felt safe enough as it was afternoon or I might not have answered him. I’ve found out thru working with the homeless, and going thru Marc’s case, that many people often retain their respect for others. But I’ve met some beligerent, mean mentally ill folks a couple times. Glad money wasn’t demanded of me that time as well.

Give it to Me’

Wesley and I sat in the sunshine at the Starbucks in the Clackamas Mall. I just wanted to find out if he was okay, but I also wanted him to ‘give me’ feedback re: the crime. One thing I’ve discovered that’s so important on the road to healing after violence is to ‘confront the pain’! I needed to share my take on the pain we’re going thru, and what I thought of him and Andrew. I hoped he wouldn’t shut down on me. He immediately opened up though and shared how every year around this time he grew moody, depressed. I told him it was the same with me, that PTSD memories affect everyone that way.

Oh, to find a soul who understands, who can relate to Marc’s case or can accept the subject of violence, healing! I’m also so grateful that Wesley responds in such a healthy way to healing! I don’t want any more tragedy to come out of the case, I want the best for him even tho it seems more has been piled on him.

It feels so normal meeting with him, we have a bond only few would understand. Most of the time we talk about life, we don’t get into pity or complain about our lot and hardly ever talk of the crime But the fact we can share ‘pain’ together is like the neatest ‘therapy’! I can’t tell you! I’m glad God gave me the best defendants in Marc’s case.

Give it to Me

‘Give it to me’ can be both good or bad, depending on the intention.

Someone else said that today, did you hear it? It wasn’t on the news. He said, ‘GIVE IT TO ME!  RIGHT NOW!  IT’S MINE, GIVE IT TO ME !  IT’S NOT YOURS TO KEEP !’

God tells us every day, ‘Give me your anxiety, your questions …. your sense of unworthiness! Give it back! I paid for it! It doesn’t belong to you.’

And we usually just keep our pain or worries selfishly to ourselves. We want to ‘fix’ things. We want to be strong like our parents were, or like our friends seem to be.

But God’s not into the act of putting on make-up, or getting so super fit or whatever before we get close to Him. He’s tired of our fooling around and pretending we’ll work things out. He’s into partnership, a relationship …. not some band-aid attempt of ours to cover our helplessness. He won’t force us to give it over, He doesn’t force us to ‘give Him our love or trust’.

Many people think of God as …. soooo high, high, high up there in the sky, and ….. we are so teeny, teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy little people down here, and  ….. that couldn’t be farther from the truth. His plans for our future, His peace is right here with us, inside us, if we only ask to have it revealed! He set things into motion at the time of creation, why not tap into His plan?

I’m so grateful for the peace, healing with the defendants! God’s got a plan for me and them after Marc’s journey to glory. God’s not far from me, He has time for our little lives down here.


(This last section taken from a msgs by Pr. Tom & Pastor Steven Trujillo, Fathers House Church, PDX, OR)


Update On Lesser Defendant, Wesley

Recently at church someone asked about ‘Wesley’, I always appreciate it when people let me know they read my posts and care about Marc’s legacy! Other friends ask about him too. This is why I love being a Christian …. cause we are a community that cares about others outside our sphere.

Sign on MAX train for Clackamas stop

The other day Wesley and I were in touch as I’d messaged him about some more places to eat, find clothes, hygiene items. Also, since I know about Lutheran churches fairly well and know they often have food pantry’s/meals I called several. One church secretary in SE Portland said they are open Tues – Fri if someone wanted to come by for a hot cup of coffee, use the restroom or simply wanted to ‘talk’! Sometimes that’s just what some people need in a crises … that daily interaction with someone who cares.

Next day or so I spoke with him over the phone and asked if he could go home, could someone call his parents? (I’d like it if someone called me about the whereabouts of my son.) What he said has haunted me for days! I know he looked up to his dad, but he told me after he turned 18 his parents gave up on him as he’s not their ‘real’ son!!  (he’s adopted)

I’ve been so upset for days after hearing him so matter of factly say that. I could feel the pain in his voice. To be abandoned by the ones who helped bring you into this world or raise you must be an unimaginable load to carry? I don’t know his family circumstances and I’m not putting his parents down, but there are alot of youth out there going thru trials like him. And it doesn’t matter how nice or honest you are, the devil is after our family life, so it sorta makes me mad!

Wesley WAS involved in a murder case. That taints you, people fear getting close as they don’t know what you’re capable of doing ….  even after they hear the details of the case. How do you recover when your parents desert you? It’s a bitter pill for me to swallow right now. He needs a place where he’s accepted but held accountable. It’s just hard to get him into a program as he’s been stolen from several times, beaten up, even in shelters, so he prefers to be by himself or with friends he knows.

I called a street minister last week who’s checking out some resources for him, he may be able to find Wesley a case manager. If he doesn’t get help soon, I don’t know how he can make it in this world? He has too much dignity, good sense to go into any drug, gang or sex ring. There are people out there who prey on those who are lost or in a seemingly hopeless situation, so I’m concerned for him. Having boundaries, some character strength is what gives me such hope for him!

I’m so glad he’s staying in a safer neighborhood, away from the riff-raff areas. He’s trying to protect himself. He’s dependent though, hooks up with male or female youth who he knows from FB, circles of friends, he’s liked by many. It’s great he can form bonds with people! But …. he’s forced to live by the goodness of others too much, he’s not taking his life in his own hands like he should. You can only go so far with that.

He’s desperately trying to find a place to fit in, belong to. God cares about these lost kids that people don’t see and so do I. They have worth, they can have a future and give back! That’s what I want for Wesley as he’s redeemable! Every time I meet with him I smile, we hug. He missed some of those early mentoring steps, but I don’t think it’s too late.

The last time I spoke with him I told him on the phone about some need of his, I told him ‘God is bigger than your problem, He’s bigger than this!’ He just stopped short, I felt he knew somehow it was true. I know Marc would want me to tell him that.

Spiteful Legal Battles Over Cakes, Etc.

Question? If a baker bakes all items for you except a wedding cake, is his refusal a righteous reason to bring him to court? I don’t know if it was the couple or some attorney who got wind of a recent refusal in CO, and made a big fuss over it, but what a sorry mess to spend so many months/years of anguish …. over a bakery item!

Downtown Portland Ralph’s store bakery items – ( D.D.)

What is the average person to think of this issue? Is the case about proving this one baker is ‘hateful’ by not baking for the couple? Was this baker out to destroy gay ‘rights’? We do understand in our conscience there’s a huge insinuation by the media and many that all Christians are like this baker, all Christians are ‘hateful’ or homophobic.

Say I’m a redneck, and I went to a Jewish or Muslim wedding planner/baker, and wanted to serve pork ribs at a reception, and they refused, would they be denying me my civil rights? Does that mean they are hateful towards me? Would I take them to court? No to all ‘3’. I wouldn’t expect them to use pork in the first place, I’d just go somewhere else and save the fuss. My conscience would tell me they are saying no because of their conscience, not out of overt prejudice against me.

Christian’s are taught to live peacefully in communities, not breed strife, or be easily offended. Not baking a cake for someone’s marriage does not defame the wedding couple, doesn’t shut down their marriage, doesn’t do anything harmful but perhaps cause them to spend more gas money to go some place else.

What’s the point about punishing someone for obeying their conscience in one tiny instance when they have a public record of providing great service to ALL for years! This fuss isn’t over a bad law like ‘segregation’, it’s about a one time denial of business! It’s not about the government’s role in our life but a private business owners stance. It just irritates, confuses much of the public trust to hear of these court battles.

Lutheran Church , Downtown Portland – (D. D.)

Many Christian’s refuse to stand by their conscience or religious beliefs but there’s a few who won’t bow to ‘mob media’ edicts. And when a brother is dragged into the news over a principle, over a cake, ….. for spite sake, what should our reaction be? God gave every man, woman and child a conscience so we can be our own judge, so we can rule our lives like a king, (or President). God intended us to use our conscience so we could avoid messy, vengeful court battles and keep our communities peaceful and strong. We’ve got enough problems as it is.

This whole cake baking issue would never get into the news unless a few were so terribly offended, or had the money to hire an attorney. The simple solution for these matters is to just go to a different baker. Let Christians serve cakes, cookies, etc to gay people, but not compel them to provide cakes for weddings if their conscience says not to.

There shouldn’t be duel standards among certain factions in our culture, but there are. All these tweet battles, media insinuations just confuse youth nowadays. What are teens thinking when they hear our culture say an unborn baby isn’t considered ‘human’ and but has ‘rights’? To see certain groups of people getting special treatment just leaves a hallow feeling to some struggling youth’s hopes for their future.

God didn’t give us a conscience by accident but He meticulously constructed us with one inside! He didn’t give us one to work at our whole life so we’d later on give it over to ‘mob’ consensus. Some of us love our church, family or jobs so much we automatically start agreeing with them on matters we need to relegate to our conscience first. Believe me, in many instances your church or family will say things that are very divergent from your personal sense of order, and you need to ‘prize’ your conscience!

Our conscience helps us in so many kinds of situations. It’s our guide when we don’t have the words to understand why we’re feeling so strong about an issue. It helps us when family is fractured, our finances are suffering or our political climate shifts.  We all have one but we have to keep it from being warped! Without it working right everything we desire is doomed …. personally or as a culture!

What This Blog Is And Isn’t About

I never sought the blogging life! It’s a role I reluctantly took on because of what happened to Marc. I was more into singing, music, trying to get a screen play sold, so blogging has been a big shift. I’ve had to learn alot in a short time because while I was trying to get justice for Marc, and encourage myself to stay the course, I was trying to learn how to say things in a blog so people would get some message. I didn’t want to selfishly babble!

I’ve read enough about blogging. Many people start a blog, then stop. For some it’s an exercise and for others it’s a deep desire to communicate a message. My initial message was to share about Marc’s case, but it’s become much more. As you work out ‘what’ you want to say, you also have to work on the ‘way’ you say it, the ‘craft’ of writing is almost as important as the message. Marketing is another big part of a blog, which I have to work on more.

There are different types of bloggers …. some are ‘how to’ writers, some give statistics, report info. I’ve enjoyed personal stories and biographies since a child, and have leaned towards a diary style of blog. But also because of my studies and love of history I have a love of gathering facts and reporting. So this blog isn’t always a personal narrative.

Shaping a blogging world

I totally love this medium! I like the part where I share my photos of Marc, my travels to Portland, as I think it adds to the credibility of my story. I never wanted to share someone elses art.

Since I’m a serious blogger I’ve had to ask myself some critical questions, as there are specific components any serious writer has to deal with. Like …. what’s my ‘voice’? What’s the underlying theme I wish to convey? Who is my audience? And what are their views, needs in reading a blog long term?

Some of the answers have to come from values you hold within. I’ve always valued songs, friends, pastors who I felt showed their true inner self as well as their strengths. So, authenticity is a very important component for me to relay in my posts. I think people today are hungry for real life, no matter what form it’s in. I hope I convey that I’m a normal woman trying to live an integrous life in the midst of personal and cultural upheavals.

Marc w me in Sedona

Also, I think people today are craving to hear about others who have some credibility in life …. someone who lives in a particular region, with a specific job and life and values herself. Do you know how many out there in the web world are trashing life, hurting themselves and others? They don’t know what’s normal, what they believe in and I like to think I add some value to this world. Like me or not, I have a voice with a belief system attached.

If you’re explaining my blog to someone it’s more than just about grief over a child, but it’s about having a life of victory over death. I’m not a Bible teacher, I used to hide behind bible verses, but not any longer. I don’t use ‘XYZ’ scripture to avoid facing my grief or give a ‘how to’ on surviving tragedy. XYZ scripture is my bedrock, you can’t survive what I did without it. But if I didn’t act on the Word then it would mean nothing! You have to take a scripture and say, ‘this means something to me, I claim it’ And it works for me daily as I commit my human struggle after the crime, the defendants, etc.

You don’t have to study the Word night and day every day of your life, you have to meditate on it enough to find the verses right for you. Your child’s premature and tragic death never goes away, there’s no biblical ‘quick fix’. You walk it out daily. It’s an emotional shock, an intellectual dilemma, besides a spiritual battle. If you ignore your emotional or mental healing, it’s just a healing based on spiritual truths but it’s not that helpful to anyone but you alone. That’s the crux of the matter …. faith without integrity in every area of life has little effect!

I believe we need art forms where people see it’s okay to show human emotions, share personal values while going thru tragedy. People need to see the highs and lows of life. We live in a drugged society often where many people fear normal consequences to life passages. I hope in my blog people can see God is not afraid to deal with our desires, struggles. I try to share universal things we go thru as humans, but not everyone accepts the dark side of life.  Blessings!

‘The work of a true believer is evident by scars! If I suffer with Him,

I will also reign with Him. Our scars tell a story.’  L. Cole

Pretty Friggen Mad Right Now

I’ve shared about the lesser defendant Wesley few times. I’ve shared how I needed justice in my son Marc’s case, but when it came to forgiving the defendants it was like stepping over a mud puddle ….. just a slight detour in uncovering the promise in Marc’s case.

Soon after the crime I had the distinct impression the boys never intended to harm Marc. They eventually wept with me when sharing how remorseful they were. My understanding of violent crime really took on a different face since getting to know them. I was always humbled and reassured by them due to their respect for me, they aren’t criminal’ personalities, it’s never been a problem trusting them. We have this strange bond.

Anyway, I’m so angry! I’ve helped Wesley in times of emergency when he’s homeless and he’s been deeply grateful! But …. recently he wasn’t in a good place. It scared me. For some reason I contacted him the same night of the Vegas shootings & Tom Petty’s collapse. I was aware of a deep unrest going on somewhere, I couldn’t place my finger on what?

Wesley’s a pretty private person and hates to disclose his needs. Getting a Scorpio to share can be ‘tough’, but if you make a friend of a Scorpio you have a friend indeed. Anyway, that night I happened to contact him and after prodding him he disclosed he hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours and was feeling very weak! I found out he wasn’t homeless, which was a blessing, but was taking care of a friend just out of the hospital, and they were both very weak from not having eaten.

I suspect it was longer than 24 hours since they’d eaten as he did say he couldn’t make it thru the night. I knew he was seriously scared, and after ‘prying’, he shared how he was worried bout his sick friend who was on meds.

I didn’t know what I could do 1,000 miles away?! I asked if he could just ask a neighbor for a can of soup, box of mac n’ cheese? But I think people are either too fearful to ask or have tried it before. It was Sunday evening and not feasible for me to go to Walmart and send a moneygram.

Then he suggested I could ‘order pizza’. Well, one place charged so much it made me so mad, and I thought, ‘this is a total nightmare, they are going to charge me 4 times as much as I’d spend at the grocery store. I hate how the business world tries to run their prices up so high and here some people need decent prices’. I just shut down and felt, ‘NO, I’m not going that route.’ I detest being ‘used’ by ‘the ‘system’! Where does the insanity of Marc’s crime stop? Money helps, but it’s not the solution to poverty, addiction, crime, etc.’

Anyway, I ordered from another pizza place, cause I hate ‘gougers’ but it took calling a service center, emailing an authorization, waiting 40 more minutes. I kept thinking, ‘what are the guys going to do after this meal’? I hated how poverty takes so much energy from a person’s life! The worry just to ‘exist’ in life is so defeating! I understood Wesley needed more than one meal but needed food to last days, weeks. And I researched resources and we talked about getting food from various places.


Wesley and I aren’t in touch that often, but it was divine intervention that night as the men were so weak. I also discovered next day how the major Homeless/Poverty Agency in his area had suffered a huge fire and has had to cut way back their much needed meal and pantry services till Feb!

What a serious blow to the poor in his area! The Lutheran churches there only give out food on Thursdays, which was 3 days away. I think the public knows there’s food pantries out there but they don’t understand how those places are stretched to the max, only available a few hours, etc! And some people can’t get there and take much home at a time.

It’s hard to watch how life can take people under. Some are born with a good conscience but have so many things come against them, then others seem to float thru life with things always going their way and they don’t feel grateful or ‘see’ anyone suffer out there.

I’m mad cause the enemy of God keeps wanting to steal the joy from us, and sometimes it seems he’s winning. I get mad at myself sometimes for not keeping in touch with Wesley better. He’s a very ‘people’ oriented person, has a number of FB friends and real friends, I’ve seen him interact with others. Oh, if his family would take him back in! What a travesty for some of our youth today!

I’m definitely NOT defeated about the boys but just feel so freakin’ upset sometimes about certain attitudes in this world! If it wasn’t for the ‘promise’ I felt God give me re: Marc’s case, I’d have probably said goodbye to Wesley or Andrew long while ago. I know God is able to fulfill His side of the agreement, so I go on in hope that promise will continue to be unveiled!

*   (Posts aren’t always written in the order events happen)

Open Letter To God ….. 3rd Anniversary 10/16/17


                                                   Dear Heavenly Father,
Okay, I’ve held on for three years now, have you noticed?
I’ve withstood the horror of murder, the underlying shame     and pain ….
You know, I thought things were clearer …… and they are,     to a degree ….
but …’s the separation, God, the longing that trips me         up at times or when I’m alone!
‘Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for His mercy endures forever.’
I’m glad you’re there God, so glad you’re listening
I’m too private a person to cry in public for sympathy all the time,
      but this is still a hard cross to bear.
I don’t want to bore others or have them wonder …. ‘haven’t you gotten over him yet’?
‘Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for His mercy endures forever.’


What do you mean …. ‘give thanks, Your mercy     endures forever’?  
I know this isn’t the ‘end’, it’s not the final say          about Marc’s life
Life marches on for the world, even without me 
But I can’t help asking  …. would you allow Marc     to visit me once again?
 You understand me? Huh? God, do you hear       me?
I can’t go on unless you’re in this? 
‘Oh, give thanks to Me, My mercy endures forever.’
 Okay, Father ….. I think I understand,
      You’ll walk this out with me, every step of the way! 
Your will wins, not mine! 
Song: Pam Thum – ‘Love Sees’  (click below)

Happy Birthday In Heaven, Marc – September 30

Today a part of me wants to ask God why He didn’t take me instead of Marc?

It’s so confusing to have all these memories of birthdays and the Fall beauty but then have to remember the loss of my youngest son!

September is a glorious time of year. I recall the crisp Fall day I brought you home from the hospital, Marc. Never will forget it. I remember feeling, ‘this is what having a family is supposed to be like’.

Preciousness itself –

Just want to say again sweetheart how much I love you! God was so great to give me you as a son and friend! The son side sorta melted away and you became mostly a friend. You were always easy to be around, always had a great way of dealing with life no matter what was going on. Your authenticity was the best part of you! Knowing you just kept getting better all the time.

You’re gone from my physical sight now but always with me in the things around home, or my thought life, my blog life! Your presence is with me in so many ways! And you’ll keep being a blessing, so that makes me happy to continue a legacy.

It’s not over, Marc! God’s not finished with your case, your life yet! The love we shared, the dreams we had …. even the pain we went thru …. it’s built a fabric that I cherish!

‘Neither life nor death can separate us’, darling! Happy Birthday in heaven, Marc!

Pres. Trump’s Tweets, Rant’s

Alot of us know our President is a man who likes to speak his mind, heart to the public too frequently on certain issues, and at times it offends some people. His remarks likely aren’t going to stop as he’s a passionate guy and he needs to express often so he doesn’t have a heart attack or yell at his family or whatever. Like me he’s got ADD or something similar, I know what it’s like to have a totally stressful day and come home to bad news, criticism from people that causes me to yell sometimes out loud in my home, just to release my frustration.

The other day Pr. Trump singled out a few hundred NFL players and I wish they’d have reacted to his remarks better. They didn’t think their actions would affect so many millions so diversely or strongly.

I understood Mr Trump was venting his own displeasure re: a few of the players. He was forgetting he was not a private citizen any more. He let his offense get the best of him. But the players also should have walked away from ‘offense’!

All this ‘kneeling’ reaction has made a mess of social media again. I never dreamed people could take Trumps remarks and the players reaction and let them bleed into …… vet issues, race issues, flag issues, Constitution or military service issues, patriotic issues, cops killing blacks, the reason you were forced out of an old job, how ‘rude’ or bigoted your FB friend is …. on and on! I’ve read them!

I have a life to live! We all do! Whether you have a regular job, we all have a job to do each day and we have MANY issues to be concerned about every single day! We have serious family issues, work issues, health concerns, rising costs to bug us, stupid food marketers to grumble about and we don’t need to be derailed by issues not pertaining to us personally or those intended for a few people.

Football Player Images Clip Art -

People with normal lives know the best thing to do if a slight is made or perceived towards them …. we walk away …. we are the bigger, stronger person when we ignore a criticism! We are to defend ourselves if a comment is trying to destroy our reputation, or integrity but we don’t have to react back in anger. This kneeling issue is so jumbled, no one is sure what it stands for! The President spoke to the players and they in turn perceived it too strongly and then millions are upset and some will boycott the games, clubs!

Tune out ‘offense’! It’s not emotionally sound to get all upset by a name someone calls you. Jesus told us not to take on the offenses of others as well, we don’t need to take on anyone elses anger. ‘Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!’  It’s a comment for the person receiving the supposed ‘offense’, don’t take the bite! Resist anger! You can ruin so much by how you take a slight.

The masses and large organisations have an increasingly short memory and fuse, don’t trust them to read a persons character right at first! Tim Tebow wasn’t allowed to show God thanks by kneeling, the football world has some strange reasons for deciding things. The business and political worlds set up their rules too based many times on money, power, etc. Even the news world has gotten in this by following the anger, the celebs and forgetting good news stories.

If anyone should feel offended, it’s parents of murdered kids, but I have to lay down my anger. I have alot of it still but I can’t release it or it would ruin mine and Marc’s legacy. It’s not how God wants things to end, with people hating the defendants, hating Portland or whatever!

We can live in this world together peacefully but only if we know how to tame our tongues (knees).

Matthew 18:7 – Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!